no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You've changed since you got that strap on
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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