I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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