You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
