I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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