I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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