The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
