whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
