Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
