Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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