I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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