i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
