Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
