The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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