So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
