if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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