dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My vagina just clenched in fear
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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