Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
