life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
