All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
