fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
