i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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