the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
