Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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