"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He better not be in your backpack
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
