Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
