Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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