I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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