I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
