I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
