I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
