One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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