she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
