This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
