I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
