Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
