Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
