Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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