I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
