just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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