I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
