i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
