the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
