Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
