mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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