Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize