Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
