that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
