The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
