oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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