So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
