What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
