She is in my trunk
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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