can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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