Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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