the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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