Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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