It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
