Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
